The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
congratulations to them
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭