A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.