A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.