A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
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The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
no cat here
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?