Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Become ungovernable.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
She was REALLY feeling it.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!