My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.