[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Spa day..😅
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
PLOT TWIST:
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
my mom making me talk to relatives
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
guilty
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer