Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*puts cutlery down*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Tough love is true love
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.