*mops up wine with cat*
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Haha! 😂
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Match dot com, but for socks.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.