@Discourt

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

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@FrankTheDoorman

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

@Tmoney68

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

@patnspankme

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

@AlexvanBeek

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

@towelforacape

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

@KattsDogma

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

@Amusitr0n

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

@slimmy_shady

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

@UnfilteredMama

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!