Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I don’t think my car can fly
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.