If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The symmetry is uncanny.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
…żyje?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Finished stitching this today 😇
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.