A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Favourite diary entry ever
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
How animals would run if they were human
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.