guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing