FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
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You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy