My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

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My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.


When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.


Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.


Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.


Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites


It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.


I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days


*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*


Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?


Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.