My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families