@Darlainky

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

You Might Also Like

@Mr_Bucky

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

@ChefRonSullivan

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

@ReticentTurnip

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

@NoorShamma

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

@BangMyBongo

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

@Resi001

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

@envydatropic

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

@huntigula

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

@globetrottgirl

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

@TheBosha

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.