Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??