I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Need WebMD
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]