The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
You Might Also Like
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”