[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer