My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
January is lasting longer than my marriage