Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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that’s really how it is
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?