January is lasting longer than my marriage
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Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers