marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
🙋♀️
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
The pen is writier than the sword.