When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
#MeanwhileInCanada
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider