12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
You Might Also Like
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
A small tragedy.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Need WebMD