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7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
A woman drives into a bar.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.