Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?