Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The Joker was right
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea