Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
im 7 sauces long
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
i will not be silenced
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.