*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Worth the read.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.