Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Brands during Pride
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.