Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
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if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.