My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Social Media and Real life
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.