“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I never needed anything more in my life
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Me in tagged photos
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?