Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.