The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”