I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”