[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow