we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.