Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police