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My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
These aliens are taking forever.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
much to think about
they should invent a hydrating liquor
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.