Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
You can’t rush stupid.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.