It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.