Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
this FaceApp is creepy af
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.