@FlyoverJoel

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

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@secondofhername

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

@chetporter

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@GrantTanaka

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

@SortaBad

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

@jonnysun

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

@dulcetry

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@osigat

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

@robfee

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men