Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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Unimpressed
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.