This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
This is my favorite one of these!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Sorry I made promises on Friday