This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*


*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”


Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.


*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this


Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”


Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.


It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.


Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it