@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

@NickSwardson

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

@lisaxy424

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

@Fred_Delicious

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@Shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it