My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.