Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Me :
All Day At Night
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep