Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.