On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.