Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
taking June’s advice to heart
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Jurassic park gets weird
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.