“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
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had to share :’)
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.